Ramblings Post No. 1

Hellllllo everybody!

This post is about...hell, I don't even know. I just had something happen tonight that has got me thinking and decided it'd be a great opportunity to "blog" about.

Anyways, to make a long, long, long saga of a story short, any of you who know me know that I had a very rough year last year. I went through a lot of changes in my life in a very quick time and it really affected me. I wish I could say that I took it like a champ, but I definitely didn't and I'm not ashamed of that, even though I was for a long time. I was deeply hurt and didn't know how to feel better and on more than one occasion thought horrible things about myself, other people, etc. I've come a long way since then, though, and have learned a lot about myself.
The main thing I have learned is that I have a deep compassion for people and am very good at empathizing with them. I'm not sure if it's just because I've been through a lot in my life so I'm better able to relate, but regardless I find a lot of people come to me for advice because they know I'll understand. I throw my whole heart into everything I do and am always the first to throw someone else on my back if they need it. And, for a while last year, I considered that to be a flaw, regardless of how many times people came to me for advice.
I thought that my compassion and my ability to care so much for someone was the reason I got so hurt. I thought that had I not trusted or been so giving, everything would have been prevented. I thought that if I just kept trying, if I kept being nice and being friendly and being friends that everything would work out great, and when it repeatedly didn't, I blamed myself and my too-good-nature for the shortcomings.
Well, tonight something happened that made me realize that's not the case at all. I had been on my way to believing that, working on everything from my health and fitness to short-term goals to life goals in the past few weeks especially, but tonight just seems to be the pinnacle of my awareness. After months and months of serenity and a relatively drama-free life, a simple occurrence on facebook made me more upset than I have been since, oh I don't know, April or May. It wasn't anything that was well thought out or directly aimed at me, but it really hurt me,. And not for the reason I thought. I thought it would hurt me because of it's content, because of what it was saying. But it hurt me because of the heartlessness and lack of thought and more importantly compassion that was behind it. And then it all clicked.
I need to be compassionate. I need to put my whole heart into everything I do, because that's who I am. If someone's lack of compassion did this to me, why would I do that to someone else? Yes, my ability to blindly love has gotten me hurt. Yes, I have been depressed because of the things my vulnerability seemingly led to. But the reason those things hurt me was because I put my faith and trust in the wrong things, namely, other people, not because of my characteristics. I am who I am, and if someone thinks that something about me is wrong or not good enough, then they clearly don't deserve to be in my life. I trust myself. I trust and believe in me to make me happy, and unless I can do that, I shouldn't rely on others to make me happy. If people are causing me pain, if they're adding unnecessary drama to my life, I don't need them and don't want them around, whether it's in a physical or metaphorical or even "facebook" sense. There is no reason for anyone to treat me poorly, whether it be on purpose or from a simple mindless action. Any of my friends know that I try my best to treat everyone with love and respect and that I have never purposely hurt anyone. I try my best to prevent harm to those around me, even when those around me may deserve it. While I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind, I always say things in order to make people realize what they've done and better themselves.
And this is why I've set my goals on Boston.

Okay, okay. That was a bit of a jump. But let me back track and explain:
There's a program in Boston called Match Teacher Residency. It's essentially an intensive, two year tutoring and graduate school combination that works in charter schools in Boston. Monday through Thursday you focus on a small group of impoverished youth that you not only tutor in school, but also teach music lessons to, coach sports to, etc. Friday and Saturday you're in class, learning how to become an "effective teacher." At the end of the two years, you have a Masters Degree in Effective Teaching, which is a degree that is becoming more and more popular for graduate schools across the nation. And get this, the tuition for the two years is only $5000, and if you don't graduate OR don't have a job at the end of those two years, the tuition is waived. It's the kind of program that actually cares about not only it's students, but also the kids who the students and future teachers work with. And this is where my compassion comes in.
I've always loved working with children and have always had a special inclination towards children who come from a more troubled background. Kids who can't really help the situation they've been in, but want to make their lives better. Or, even if they don't want to make their lives better, are in a situation where they have the opportunity to make their lives better. While my future, long term goals are focused more on the legal aspect of that, namely with foster care issues and such, I think that a terrific experience to have before law school will be Match Teacher Residency. It will give me the opportunity to use my compassion and my ability to really throw my whole heart into something in a very positive light and actually change the lives of a handful of kids. So, moral of the story, my compassion and full-heartedness is awesome, and regardless of where it's taken me, I absolutely love where I've landed.

Now, if that's not taking a negative thing and spinning it in a positive direction, I don't know what is.

Until next time,

Alli


Ps - Here's some more info on that program: http://matcheducation.org/mtr