Things that make you look like a horrible human being in the eyes of a sales associate.

I'm on a list-making spree lately. They're fun! Anyways, having worked in retail for a bit, I've come across a few (okay, a lot) things that customers do that royally piss off the employees. Here are some of my favorites:

1. When you walk into the store and refuse to acknowledge any sort of greeting. In sales, most of us are taught to say an enthusiastic "hi!" and greet the customers. About half of the time we are met with a grunt and quick shuffle away. RUDE. It takes all of a second to, dare I say it, smile and say hello. Oh, and by the way, we might tell you about our awesome sales going on right now. You came to buy stuff, right? Quit acting like a snob. Would you do that if you were walking down the street and someone said hi to you? No. And if you would, well then you actually are a horrible human being and I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. You should probably stop reading.
2. When you act like an actual monkey in the store. Okay, maybe not a monkey, but down-right zoo-like for sure. We size all of our shirts and such for you. We try to make it as easy as possible for you to find your size. We're sorry that the biggest sizes are on the bottom, but it's because they're...bigger. That doesn't give you the right to take all the other sizes and chuck them across the store like they're mushy bananas. I might be over-exaggerating, but then again...not really.
3. When you proceed to act like a monkey in the fitting room. At our store, we have no limit in the fitting room. Take whatever amount of clothing your heart desires in there. Try on as much as you want. Really, we love to help dress and design your wardrobe, I'm being genuine. But please please please please PLEASE don't leave all of your clothes in there looking like you created your own tornadic destruction machine right there in the stall. I know that's not what your bedroom looks like. And if it is, I don't care. YOU ARE IN PUBLIC. Have some respect! 
4. When you apparently attempt to put things away, but put things back on hangers inside-out. Really. REALLY?! In that case, I'd rather you leave the tornado. There's no way you don't see that you're putting it on there inside-out! Stop trying to make yourself feel better by saying that you "cleaned up" after yourself. That didn't work with your mom when you half-assed your chores, and it won't work for us, either.
5. When you bring in like, 12 different items into the fitting room, and walk out with nothing. You cannot seriously tell me that none of that stuff worked. And even if that were the case, can't you just make us feel a little better and bring a couple of them back out with you? Please? 
6. When you ask us to price check everything you bring up to the register. HELLO. IT SAYS THE PRICE ON THE MACHINE IN FRONT OF YOU. Oh, and not to mention on the sticker, or on the in numerous signs around the store. Furthermore, if you're going to ask us to price check everything, at least buy SOMETHING. 
7. When you yell at the sales associates about things like prices, signs, sales, etc. Newsflash: Unless you're shopping at a tiny "ma and pop" store, sales associates/managers don't control any of that. We/they get told by the "big bosses" at corporate what to put where, how to price things, etc. We literally just listen to our boss. If you want to complain, complain to them. Another newsflash: They probably won't care, either.
8. When you pee in the store. And not in the bathroom toilet. That is all. 

Follow this simple step-by-step guideline (and slight berating) and your sales associate at your local clothing store won't want to kill you. While we can't necessarily spit in your food, we can certainly keep you from saving money by not offering you that coupon you give anyone else. Or we can put you through slight moments of sheer panic when you think that your total is 2,948 when it's actually only 29.48 and we just "messed up." It's the little things that get us through the day, people. 

*Note: this may have been inspired by a recent day at work. 

The 7 Kinds of Dreams

1. The dream where your teeth/hair/face falls out. Okay, the face part might be a little over-dramatic, but you get the point. This is the dream for those of us who are vain and worry about our appearances a little too much. No shame, I have the teeth-falling-out dream regularly. You either dream that you have a loose tooth and they all start slowly disintegrating, or that you wake up and all your teeth are gone. Talk about a nightmare. Oh, and if that's not enough, after you finally wake up from this travesty you can't stop feeling your teeth with your tongue, fingers, whatever...anything to prove that they are, indeed, still in place and not moving. Shit, now I can't bite into my apple.

That is not funny. Put that shit back in your mouth.

2. The dream in which you are a hero, saving the world from something you didn't know you cared about. This is the dream where you're walking along at the Pick 'n' Save and all of a sudden you have the sudden urge to save the world from terrorism. You think you spot a terrorist in the parking lot...Oh! It is! He has a bomb in the shape of a flying dog, which is undoubtedly a bomb for no obvious reason! And suddenly you're off, conquering evil hungry-man, frito-lay shopping terrorists from one grocery store to the next.

...and then the cheeto bomb went off.

3. The dream when you're falling. This dream lasts about, oh, I don't know, a second. Then you proceed to violently grab onto your bed as you're sweating and practically fling yourself across your bedroom. People say that falling dreams are indicative of insecurities, instabilities, anxieties. You don't say? I'm anxious? Maybe it's because every-time I try to fall asleep I fall off a metaphorical cliff.

WHY.

5. The dream where you're watching your dream unfold and you're actually kind of aware of the fact that you're dreaming. In my experience, this dream is usually terrifying. Like watching your puppy die while you see yourself stand idly by. NO! STOP! DO SOMETHING, YOU UNDOUBTEDLY THICK MORON. Usually ends with "you" telling "yourself" that you really are a moron and you're only dreaming. Wake up, idiot.

I like to think that these dreams make me more likely
to end up with Leo.

6. The dream that is actually sort of relevant to your life. This dream comes along...never. Okay, maybe not never, but I've had less than a handful of them. The players in this dream are your parents, your friends, an ex...whatever have you. It's usually super random, like you swapping dogs with your best friend or you slapping the shit out of an ex's significant other (okay, maybe not THAT random), but it's never anything significant. Except that one time when suddenly your world is rocked by your dream and you change your life forever. Wait, no, that doesn't happen. Nevermind.

7. The dream when you're at your house...but it looks nothing like your house. This is the dream when you're just hanging out in "your" basement, but it suddenly has bright orange walls, wooden floors, and a water slide that goes up. In the dream you SWEAR that it's your house, in fact, it's not even a question if it is or not...but it definitely isn't.

What do you mean this isn't my house?

4. The sex dream. Can't ignore it, but don't necessarily want to talk about it either. It more often than not involves someone who you normally have no physical attraction to, like the weird kid in the back of your high school bus who kind of said hi to you one time. Is his name Dave? Dan? Who knows. Or it involves a same-sex partner, and suddenly you wake up questioning years of hooking up with the opposite sex. Am I a lesbian? No, you just had a trippy-ass dream in which you made out with a chick. It's fine... kind of. Oh, and if that's not enough, you usually do super acrobatic shit in said dream. Don't try this at home, kids.

You are definitely a lesbian.

Typical New Year Post

Every year around this time I write a blog about my life over the past year and what I expect for the next (I don't think I did it last year, whatever). I have been chewing on this idea for the past week and finally decided to sit down and write it. It helps that I have access to an actual computer for the first time since Monday.

2012. Oh, where do I begin? I'm going to call 2012 my rebuilding year. 2011 started off great, got super rocky and unfortunate in the middle, and ended sadly. My life changed so drastically so quickly that I didn't know how to get back on my feet in such a short period of time, and it took me a long time to get there. So, 2012 was my rebuilding year.

And rebuild I did. I started off the new year in the Wisconsin Dells with my family. It was a rough trip, but nevertheless I remember it fondly and actually wanted to go back this year. The semester was one of my best ones to date, and I rocked a 3.85. I took an amazing counseling psychology class that forever changed how I look at and interact with people and taught me to reflect on how I was feeling about my life much more than I was previously allowing myself to do. I went to Arizona to visit my grandparents and realized that I regretted those few years when I didn't go - my grandparents are the shit. I turned 21 with my one of my best friends. I went to Vegas with the world's greatest mom and had the time of my life. I became obsessed with Vegas. I finally got to see Donya on a quick (but seriously memorable) trip to Chicago. I ran a 40 minute 8k, when I had previously never run more than a mile at a time. I made a last minute decision to travel across the country for 7 weeks and spend all the money I had. I went to Memphis to visit Donya (again), and had a rather weird but necessary experience. It's all about closure, people. I had one of the best nights of my life before I went to London (possibly because of the entirely random group of people I was with). I lived by myself, in London, for 7 weeks. 3,917 miles away from my support system. I thrived. Never before had I felt so independent, even when my dog was dying and my computer crashed (let's not talk about it). I realized that Wales is so much more than just a country with the same name as a large fish (not to mention being hand-fed french-fries by a Welshmen... Oh Wales). I SAW MORGAN FREEMAN IN PERSON. Oh, and Matthew Lewis (otherwise known as Neville Longbottom), Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon Levitt (rockin the vest and the skinny tie)...the list goes on. I met amazing people and had awesome realizations. I came home and started working to pay off that damn credit card. I bought an iPad. I joined an awesome lab that's doing work I truly and deeply believe in. I took 18 credits, 6 classes, and kicked ass in every one of them. I went to my last round of Badger football games as an undergrad and cried my way through Varsity. I established a great group of friends (haHA!). Boys came and boys went, and I was completely okay. I registered for my last semester as an undergrad (again, lets not talk about it). Hello 18 credit, 7 class final semester. Bring it. I had an amazing Thanksgiving and survived my second Black Friday over-nighter with great co-workers at Loft (although I seriously don't remember anything after 3:00AM). I had my only final cancelled because of a snow storm (this is why I moved back to Wisconsin) and got to go home early. I finally got that damn iPhone, goodbye shady thunderbolt. I spent Christmas with my family and got to see an awesome movie with my best friends in the same theater. I spent New Years at home with my family, finishing off the year with the same people I began it with. Most importantly, though, I rebuilt, and now know myself better than ever. I'm not a different person, I've just returned to who I was pre-college, and it feels great. Except I might be a little more obnoxious. Sorry, kids.

This year is going to be full of life-changing moments. I'm graduating college. I will be, for the first time since I was 2, a regular person who cannot identify as a student. I will [hopefully] be an independent, contributing member of the workforce. I am moving to Chicago and starting life on my own (alongside one of my best friends). I am probably buying a new car. My childhood bedroom is turning into a quasi-guest bedroom. I am going to actually be an adult, and I don't know what to expect. What I do know, though, is that without my 2012 rebuilding year everything would be so different, and I am thankful every minute of every day for where my life has taken me.

Here's to my rebuilding 2012 and my brand new, shiny 2013.

last Badger game! :( 

Winnin [or losing] money in Vegas!

Mommy and me! 

Pretty typical.

My best friend forever :)

jumping at Stonehenge! 

Christmas party with the roomie :)

hahahah, this is pretty accurate. 

Londoners.

me and the bro.

Barcrawl!

the crew :)

me and k lehner supporting the cause

lookin awkward after the 8k

mine and Matthew's 21st!