A Post from 3:00 AM

Hello there, relatively small amount of people who like to keep track of my life! Thought I'd send out an update since I'm laying in bed at 3:30 with the inability to fall back asleep (which usually isn't a problem for me, but I'll get to that later).

So, things have been going pretty well. I'm still working my job as an ABA therapist for children with a diagnosis on the Autism Spectrum. This job is teaching me new things every day, and the kids I'm working with truly astound me sometimes. I think the best part about this job is gaining the perspective of how lucky my siblings and I are for being typically developed (all jokes aside), and how amazing it is that these kids manage to just get through the day sometimes. Sure, I've been punched in the face, I've had a clipboard thrown at me, and I've been peed/spit on more times than I can count...but let me tell you, I've got such quick reflexes now and my ability to just tune out aberrant behavior is astounding. Also, I've kind of become a hard-ass teacher. The hours aren't as great as I'd hoped, but I'm sticking with it for now, and I'm looking to start working with another provider to fill in the gaps in my schedule pretty soon. The one thing that is guaranteed with this job is that I know that at the end of the day, I'm doing something to help others, and that's always been a simple goal in my life.

If anything, I'm learning a lot about money management. Mostly that I know nothing about money management, but I'm getting there. Learning how to stop leaning on that damn credit card and only use my real money. Budgeting is tough when you're not exactly sure how much money you'll make in the next month, but it's teaching me a lot. Mostly that I can't buy things. Sigh.

I went to Virginia a couple of weeks ago for one of my best friend's Morrgan's wedding. It was BEAUTIFUL. Such a gorgeous location, gorgeous dress, gorgeous decorations...but hey, Morrgan and I basically became friends because of our strikingly similar Pinterest weddings, so I may be biased. I got to channel my inner wedding planner and helped decorate the barn she got married in (totally kidding about the wedding planner part...okay, not really. I was meant to be J.Lo in another lifetime). The ceremony was beautiful and had me practically sobbing in my chair. One of my other best friends, Sri, came down for the reception and to stay at the hotel with me over night as well, and it was SO great to see and catch up with her! We all had a blast at the reception and at the bar after. Morrgan and Christopher, you throw a great party...and you should do it again. Like in December, or something. It also got me super into wedding mode, and now I'm feeling prepped and ready to rock MOH duties for my OTHER best friend, Janae's wedding! I have too many best friends. What a problem to have!

You guys looked fabulous!

Rockin' the dance floor at the wedding.

I'm running my half-marathon on Sunday! I've been training since the beginning of September, which isn't really that long, but I think I'm ready. I've also been running pretty consistently since March (and I started running two years ago. I think I might be selling myself short. Whatever). The last few weeks have been pretty much training-free due to traveling and my grandpa needing heart surgery, so things have been hectic. The last long run I did was two weeks ago and it was my 11-miler, and that went super well, so I think I'll be okay. The worst that can happen is that I'll die.....and the chances of that are prettttty slim so I'll be fine. I'm excited because the race covers a lot of my old routes I ran in Madison, so it will be nice to get back to my roots (heh, pun intended). If anything, I'll cry through the race, then go to lunch with the family and drink away my pained legs with Janae after. Totally kidding. Kind of.

Also, shout out to the wonderful Breezy Barrett, who will be cutting my hair on Sunday. If you live in the Madison area and you're looking for an excellent stylist, let me know and I'll send you her way. She's excellent and I've never walked away unhappy (how's that for some publicity, Breeze?). Plus she's hilarious and you'll totally never have another awkward silent hair stylist experience ever again. Guaranteed.

Speaking of fitness, I've also started to really think about what I've been eating lately. I'm usually pretty good about maintaing a balanced diet and eating enough fruits & veggies, but I've always had a pretty bad sweet tooth. The kind where after any meal I need something sweet? Not good. So, I started giving up sugar this past Monday. It's crazy to me the way your body adjusts to going off of something you ingest every day. I'm still eating fruits (so there's some sugar there), but I'm staying away from pretty much all pre-processed foods. You'd be shocked to see what has sugar in it. Tomato sauce? SERIOUSLY? The first couple of days I had killer headaches from withdrawal symptoms. Kind of made me feel like a meth head (totally kidding). But now I'm finding I have a lot more energy and the thought of eating something really sweet grosses me out (minus the dream I had tonight where I ate this giant...log-like thing made of oreos and marshmallows and graham crackers... we can't all be winners). I'm pretttty sure the energy piece is probably why I'm up at 3:30 in the morning; I went to bed at 9:00 and six hours later I'm feeling ready to start my day. Which, coming from me, is quite an accomplishment. I'm going to seriously stick to this at least through Thanksgiving, allow myself to eat whatever the hell I want on Turkey Day, and then decide how I feel after that. I don't like to set up huge goals for myself because I end up being disappointed. One step at a time, folks.

Other than that, things have been going well! Going to a couple of big football games in the next few weeks, which will undoubtedly have me without a voice. Christmas season is coming up, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't already listened to some Mariah or Michael Bublé. I don't do it too often...I just don't turn it off when it comes on shuffle. Shut up. I have a feeling it's going to be a crafty (aka., cheap) kind of Christmas...but it's the thought that counts, right?

Alright, kiddos. I'm off to bed. Or at least off to watch like four hours of Grey's Anatomy until I have to get up for work. TTFN, Ta-ta for now!

Living the Life

Here is my official life-update post. Enjoy it.

So, I've officially been living in Chicago for 27 days. I know I haven't posted, but I've been busy wrapping my head around a new apartment, a new job, a new cat, a new car....there have been a LOT of changes for me. But I've been taking every thing in stride and processing things one at a time, so it's been pretty great. 

To start: my apartment. I love it! Megan finally moves in this weekend, and I'm very excited to have a roommate (besides my cat). The apartment is nice. It's on the first floor, which I was initially very skeptical (and kind of freaked) about, but it's certainly worked in my favor as it's been super hot and I have no air conditioning. The living space is big, although the ceilings are high, so it makes it seem bigger than it is. I'm all moved in and unpacked and I've done as much decorating as I'm going to do by myself; now it's time for Megan to get here so we can make this place OURS. Admittedly, I will need to clean up and put some of my stuff away from the general living space so she can have some of the apartment, too. 

What's next? Let's go with the new job. This job has been a snap to reality. For those of you who don't know, I'm working as a line therapist for kids who have a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. I had never truly worked with autistic children before, so I didn't know what to expect. I've learned a LOT, but I would have to say the best thing I've learned is that you can't treat autistic kids according to their age; it really is an arbitrary number in regards to their development (except maybe physically; height and weight and such). I'm personally working with three children, none of which are verbal, so a lot of what I do focuses on verbal and oral motor immitation. A lot of "say oooh" and "say ahhh"'s come out of my mouth. I have an 8-year-old who is very low functioning, but he's really a sweetheart, and while he does challenge me every day I love the moments where he says "hi alli" or sings songs to me...like when he started singing Bruno Mar's "Just the Way You Are" to me the other day. I had a very hard time not laughing, since we're not supposed to react to "inappropriate" behavior, but I figured I'd rather him singing that than yelling or not responding to my prompts at all. Plus, it was adorable! I have to drive a lot, and I've got a few less hours than I would prefer, but I figure it's all in due time and I'm new to the company. Plus I don't want to swallow more than I can chew, and sometimes working with these kids can be stressful and very emotionally draining. Regardless, it's very rewarding, and I'm loving it!

Apartment, job...let's talk about my cat! I LOVE my cat. Her name is Madison (named after the greatest city known to man), and I tend to call her Maddie. Or Mads. Or Madcat. I adopted her from a local shelter which shall go unnamed because I am about to rip them a new one. She is 2-years-old, light orange medium hair, and was a rescue from the Oklahoma City tornados that happened earlier this year. When I adopted her I was told she was a 3-month-old kitten in perfect health....which seemed great! However, I took her to the vet (per the shelter's suggestion, mind you), and was informed that my tiny kitten was actually at LEAST 2-years-old. Not only that, but she has severe gingivitis and will probably need all of her teeth extracted. She also had an upper respiratory infection, an eye infection, and parasites. She's currently on three different medications, but she's responding great, and she has her surgery for her mouth on the 18th. I am so thankful that I adopted Maddie, despite her shortcomings, because I can't imagine what could have come of her if I hadn't taken her! She's a sweetheart who doesn't particularly like strangers, but considering she was probably practically sucked up in a giant funnel of doom, I don't really blame her. I'm taking her home for labor day weekend and I'm sure it'll be a trip seeing her in the same house as two other cats (one who is notoriously bitchy) and a giant german shepherd. 

New car! 2010 Honda Civic, two-door and light blue. It's great. It has great air conditioning, a gas tank that is fully attached to the car, a gas tank that doesn't spit gas out at me as I'm pumping, a transmission that down shifts (notable improvement)...not to mention an automatic lockey keychain button thing, a 21st century dash board, and it's just friggen adorable. Plus I think my mom sleeps better at night knowing I'm not facing impeding doom on the Chicago freeways. We got a great deal on it and it only has 13,000 miles on it, and I can afford the monthly payment obviously, so all is terrific! 

Other than that, life has been going well. I'm starting to really set into my work schedule so I've started looking and signing for extra-curricular activities. I'm starting an indoor volleyball league on September 11th, and I am SO excited to be playing again. There are various levels you can sign up for, ranging from recreational, beginner, intermediate, intermediate/advanced, and competitive. I probably could have swung intermediate/advanced, but since I haven't played competitively since high school I signed up for the intermediate level. I think it will be a great way to meet new people, plus I've been DYING to get out on a court. 

I also discovered this FRIGGEN SWEET THING. So there's a NTC (Nike Training Club) in Lincoln Park, and it's basically a nike store that's directed towards women. All women merchandise. But the best part about it is that this store has a studio on the second floor where they offer FREE, yes FREE, fitness classes 4-5 times a day, and any given person can attend up to four classes a week....for FREE. Tonight I went to my first class, and it was a run + NTC class. We went on a 12ish minute run and then had a group class for 30 minutes. The class was based on Nike's NTC app, available on the iPhone, and it kicked my ass. But it kicked my ass for FREE so I walked away feeling great. Doubt if I'll be able to walk without a limp tomorrow, but whatever. 

So essentially, I'm making my way. It's been interesting and fun and lonely and great all at the same time, but I really think these are all emotions that are necessary in growing up. I'm excited for the next few months, now that I've gotten into a routine, and to make new friends and start really living my life down here.

I wish you all the best end to the summer, start to school year, or just a good rest of your night. 

Ta-ta for now!

Big Move

It's been a while, but there's a reason. I've been waiting to start a new "chapter" in my blog, a chapter on my newfound life in Chicago.

I'm about to be a grown-up. I'm sitting in my bedroom in my apartment in Madison for the last night. My walls are bare, closet empty, room especially echo-y. It's a feeling I've had before, since I've moved a few times over the past years. But this time, this time it's different. This time I'm starting a job that I've worked for, a job that requires a degree. I'm moving somewhere that's not in Wisconsin and I will be successful this time. I'm leaving all of my friends, with the exception of few, and it's going to be such a learning experience. But it will be so, so great.

Madison means the world to me. It brought me to the independent, self-confident woman I am today. For one, I wasn't able to run a mile straight when I first came here - now I run between two and four miles daily and I've ran Crazylegs twice. That in and of itself is an accomplishment. It's where I graduated from college. But it's also so much more - I got over the hardest breakup EVER in Madison. I learned how to be alone without being lonely. I learned that loving yourself really IS the best way to love life, as cliched as that is.

I think the reason I've been so anxious and stressed about moving isn't about the move itself - it's about leaving this place and the possibility that I'll leave the person I am, too. But on my run this morning the song "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons came on and it got me thinking. I'm sure you all know the lyrics, and this time they seemed oddly appropriate:

"And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit right to the top.
Don't hold back.
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check.

I don't ever wanna let you down,
I don't ever wanna leave this town.
'Cause after all, this city never sleeps at night.

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was.
Now don't you understand?
I'm never changing who I am."

It just kind of hit me; I don't have to worry about losing myself, because I've always been there. Even underneath all of the relationship and break-up junk, I've always been this woman I am today; Madison and the people here gave me the strength to bring her out. And I'll always be so, so thankful to this city.

I'm ready for this move, and I'm excited. I'm going to post more often and update on all of the inner workings of a new-found grown-up in a big city; I'm sure it'll be more than awesome. SO AWESOME.

Stay tuned.

College

I remember waking up the morning I was to move into Tripp at the University of Wisconsin - Madison and balling profusely. I called my then boyfriend and insisted he tell me I was going to love it and be successful and "who cares if they drink you'll love it anyways." I remember shaking in the car on the way there and being nervous and feeling like a social two-year-old when I met all the girls in the hall. I remember my first night being lonely and afraid even though my best friend stayed the night with me. I remember being so unsure.

Tomorrow I will wake up and I will get ready for my graduation from the University of Wisconsin - Madison. I will ball profusely because I do not want to leave this terrific institution. I will talk to my mom who will tell me that the best is yet to come and I will love it and be successful. I will shake on the way up to the podium all while thinking "good Lord please don't let me trip." I will be nervous and feel like a social two-year-old among my peers and professors from the School of Human Ecology because it's certain that I will vomit everywhere if I so much as open my mouth. I will go to dinner with my friends tomorrow night and have celebratory drinks with them. I will be so certain in my decision to go to this University and I will be sure of my future elsewhere.

My three years here have been the best and most difficult years of my life. I've gone through moments of happiness and moments of despair (not what you think - I'm talking about the Rosebowl. All three of them). I've celebrated Halloween and Mifflin like the champs we were and I've studied all night for my Cognitive Psych exam at Steenbock. I've gone to bars underage (yes, sorry family), and I've had my wallet stolen three too many times. I've read and read and read about history and babies and have written about history and babies. I've sucked up to professors and cried my way to better grades. I've held a trash can for a friend while they puked in it for hours. I've run barefoot down state street and called an ambulance for my best friend (who refused to keep her Harry Potter scar regardless of my advising). I've rekindled relationships with old friends. I've made friends with a ginger. Also friends with someone who doesn't like to wear clothes ever. Also friends with someone I blatantly and truthfully called an asshole (sorry, Michael). I've studied abroad. I've gone home for summer. I've gone home for the weekend, a night. And every time, EVERY TIME I cannot wait to get back to Madison. I've perspired my way up Bascom Hill and have slid on the ice down it (one time, I swear). I've drank beer at the terrace and eaten way too much Babcock Dairy ice cream than I'm willing to admit. Also Babcock chocolate milk. They ship that stuff, right? I've written a thirty page thesis. I've studied children of incarcerated parents. I've gone out for a friends engagement. I've worked about seven different jobs. I've gone to football games and hockey games. I've hugged Bucky Badger.

I've had the time of my life here, and I thank all of you for being a part of it.

What happens when you graduate college

You wake up one morning and you realize that you only have one week as an undergraduate. What the HELL happened?

This week was my last week of classes at the University of Wisconsin - Madison. While I'm always super excited for classes to be over (especially the really dumb ones I will never ever use), this week was different. I found myself acting differently and responding to things differently than I have in the past. For one, I cried before class on Thursday. For two, I didn't go to bed early (come on, guys, that's a big deal for this kid). For three, I was trying to make class time go a little bit longer.

Why?

Because when I woke up on Tuesday to go to class, I looked in the mirror and realized "Holy crap, I'm graduating from college and I'm 22 and I'm old and a grown up."

There's this thing that happens during this week. You start to think about each moment you're in and how immediately that moment is gone. You start to think about your freshman or sophomore or whatever year was your first year at this institution you're graduating from and remember that feeling on the way to your dorm. For me, that feeling was fear, anticipation, anxiety, excitement, pretty much every feeling ever. You arrive in your dorm and you just want to meet new people. You can't wait to order your books, you can't wait to go to your first class, you can't wait for your parents to leave so you can go to your first "real" party. You can't wait to go to that first UW football game and you can't wait for your first jump around. You can't wait to play dizzy bat and puke everywhere after because let's face it, it's unavoidable. You can't wait to eat shitty food from Gordon's or Frank's or whatever those spoiled baby freshmen get nowadays. You can't wait to cram everyone on your floor into one room because hey, we're freshmen and it's what we do. You can't wait until you're a sophomore and you can make fun of freshmen. You can't wait for that internship, that first college job, your seminar classes. You can't wait to turn twenty-one because using a fake even when it's to Brogan's (rest in peace) or Nitty and you know you'll get in anyways, is still terrifying. You can't wait to go to the real bars. You can't wait until your friends stop wanting to go to the real bars because it's SO DAMN EXPENSIVE. You can't wait until senior year because junior year sucks and senioritis is already calling.

Except shit, now senior year is done. So my advice to all of you non-seniors? Wait.

Wait to make a college decision. Wait to move into your dorm. Wait to order books, go to classes, meet new people. Wait to go to that first UW game and play dizzy bat and throw up. Wait to eat that shitty food, wait to turn twenty-one. Wait to be a senior. Because soon enough, you will be, and soon enough, it will be over. And you'll be left wondering where time went and what happened and sobbing while looking at facebook pictures and eating cans of soup because you're trying to not buy groceries until graduation (that last part might be exclusive to me).

I know this is super cliche, but most of my blog posts are. I mean it, you crazy kids. College goes by SO FAST and it's the best time of your life so take everything and slow down. Wake up and appreciate where you are and who you're with and that hangover shitty gut feeling that you wish you didn't have. Someday you'll look back on these times and wish it were here (okay, maybe without the hangover). This is the last four years of our lives that we can actually and respectfully call ourselves "kids" and not be laughed at. Do not take it for granted.

For those of you reading who are walking with me across that stage at the Kohl Center next weekend, I commend you. Take this next week or these next few months and appreciate being able to be in this terrific city. Appreciate walking up Bascom and sitting at the terrace. Appreciate going out on a weeknight even though everything (and your boss) tells you not to. Appreciate shitty bars because hey, they're OUR shitty bars. Appreciate the loud noise the street makes when you're trying to sleep. Appreciate the capitol. Appreciate being able to text a friend when you've had a shitty shitty morning and just being able to walk over to eat breakfast and rant. Appreciate your friends drunken text messages and snapchats that they will never get back and GOD you did not want to see that. Appreciate library mall and food carts and state street and everything we love about this place we've called home for the past few years. Appreciate everything you enjoy just a little bit more, because it might all be gone in a few short months.

And if you're staying here long term, remember these moments anyways, because regardless it will never feel the same to be on this campus as an ADULT. Plus it gets kind of weird to be like 38 and hanging around Brats. Just sayin'.

To the class of 2013: Be proud, be thankful, be ready. We did it, and regardless of what previous generations think, we're going to KICK ASS.

This isn't about guns.

Well, of course it isn't. But the tragic events of the day in Boston, got me thinking. What does all of this mean?

Aurora, Colorado. Oak Creek, Wisconsin. Newtown, New Jersey. And now Boston, Massachusetts. These four cities will now live ingrained in the minds of all of us, and not because of their historical significance.

You might be thinking "one of these things is not like the other," but really, they're all so similar. Sure, they might stem from different issues. Mental illness, prejudice, terrorism. But what it comes down to isn't about healthcare or politics or international affairs. It's not about democrats or republicans. It's not about Obama, and it's certainly not about guns.

Is the mental healthcare system a failing institution in this country? Absolutely. Do we have way more assault weapons than necessary in this country? Absolutely. Are there issues abroad that we don't exactly know how to handle? Absolutely. But these have all been issues before and they will all be issues again.

When I heard the news about Boston today, all I could ask myself was "Is this what it felt like to be an American in 1968?" For those of you who don't know, 1968 was a year that has lived in infamy. From the assassination of MLK Jr., to the Vietnam War, to the Democratic National Convention, and notwithstanding riots in all corners of the country, citizens thought that our world was falling apart. The Cold War and World War III beckoned.

And we got through it. Sure, there are arguments to the contrary, but by and large we made it out of that hellish year still standing. Were we the same? Absolutely not. Our idyllic sense of self from the 1950s was tarnished (even though I wrote my junior thesis on how the 50s was actually an underground wave of volcanic shit that was just waiting to explode, you know what I mean). Then came the economic toilet of the 70s and 80s, but then, then came the 90s and Rugrats and grunge metal and bubblegum pop and yay money. And everything was good again (especially for you, Bill, at least until 1998).

I'm not saying this isn't bad. I'm not saying you shouldn't be scared or worried about future generations. And I'm certainly not saying you shouldn't take time to reflect on this event that we will forever remember.

But take this, take this hopeless, lost, confused, and scared feeling, and turn it around. As cliched as this is, just love. Reach out to those next to you and those in Boston and give your helping hand. Don't stop living. It may take 10, 20, or even 30 years, but we'll get there. I don't care if this is too optimistic or glass-half-full or even ignorant. If there is one common, screaming theme through all these tragedies it's that there simply isn't enough graciousness, charity, and love in the world, and it's up to you (all twelve of you who read this) to change this. Hating those who did these acts will get us nowhere; everyone has a story, everyone has a side, and everyone, every living being on this Earth, deserves love. It may be difficult and it may test every fiber of your being, but this is critical. Love (and a little empathy) can change our mental health system for the better. Love (and a little flexibility) can make the gun debate moot. Love (and a little understanding) can help ease our international tensions.

It's optimistic. It's glass-half-full. And it may even be a bit ignorant. But it's true. Love is how I've lived my life. It's love that has gotten me and my family and my friends through addiction, depression, brokenness.

I don't have the answers, I don't have the policy changes or the laws or the money or understanding of what goes into huge, systematic changes. But I do know it's a grassroots movement, and it starts here.

Let love, grace, compassion, and altruism bring us back to the nineties, because hey, we all need a little more Vanilla Ice and Skip-It's and Thelma and Louise and Zubaz.




My hearts and sincerest prayers go out to those impacted not only by the events in Boston yesterday, but to those in Aurora, Oak Creek, Newtown, and anyone else who needs them.

What to do, what to do.

What do I want to do with my life?

Screw that. What do I want to do with my next two/three years?

I know I'm moving to Chicago. But living in Chicago without any sort of set income is terrifying. And I have so many interests, so many ways I want to help so many people, that I'm having a hard time deciding.

I love children, mainly babies. So, I could be a teacher in an infant/toddler program, which is actually one of my realist job "offers" that I've gotten so far. So there's that. But do I really want to work with babies 40 hours out of the week? I'm not so sure. On the other side, though, it is super exciting to watch a baby go through developmental milestones. At least for me, it is.

I have an affinity for helping low-income children, and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of those in Chicago. Do I work for the state, or for a nonprofit? Do I actually intend on making money or not? And how do I want to help those children? I could be a mentor, I could be a legal advocate, I could be a case worker. Can I stomach any/all of that? I don't know.

I also have an affinity for those with substance-abuse problems, although I am admittedly inexperienced in the scholarly side of that. I would love to learn more, but what job opportunities are there for someone who has little "educational" experience with that? Can't I just talk to people for a living without the background behind it? Riiiight.

I've done a lot of work with the incarcerated population, so that's nifty. I've also done a lot of research, so I could definitely work in a research lab at U of Chicago or Loyola or something. But I'm not sure I want to be a lab rat full-time, either. And at the same time, there are some moments when I'm working in my lab now and I just get SO excited over results I'm seeing, because, hey, they're actually significant!

I want to work in a family law-firm, hopefully as a paralegal or a legal assistant, but as far as I've seen my options are limited there, even though I've worked at a firm for a couple of years now. It would be extremely useful for me to see the kind of work I hope to be doing someday, if not for any other reason than to at least know I actually WANT to do that, rather than just be stuck in this fantasized dream of what law is. (Just kidding, my stepdad complains enough for me to know it sucks. Hard.)

I could always stick with loft and potentially my new management job. But retail, all day, every day? Shoot me now. Except just kidding, I love working retail. But maybe it's because I only work it every so often. Who knows.

CAN'T I JUST LIVE IN A FANCY APARTMENT LIKE CARRIE BRADSHAW AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

Getting Where You're Going

I don't know about you, but I always feel like I'm waiting to get somewhere.

I'm not talking metaphorically...although I guess that's applicable too. I'm talking about physically waiting to get somewhere. I'm extremely satisfied with my present home (Madison, Wisconsin) and think it was the best place for my college life. I love my permanent home (Racine, Wisconsin) and wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I loved being in London, which is my "if-only-I-had-nothing-keeping-me-home" home. I love Arizona, my "my-grandparents-live-here-and-it's-great-because-it's-warm-hot" home.

But, regardless of how much I love my various "homes," I always feel like I want to be somewhere else. When I'm in Madison, I'm counting down the days to Phoenix or Disney or Chicago, or even back to Racine to be with family. When I'm in Racine, I can't wait to get back to Madison and live my own life outside of my family. When I'm away from home (be it Racine or Madison) I can't wait for the familiarity that is home to be back. It's all an endless, exhausting cycle.

Why do we do that? I surely can't be the only one.

Maybe it's because of my current relationship (or lack thereof) status. Don't get me wrong; my single-ness is an active choice on my part. I'm not in the right place in my life to be selfless and think about someone else in that facet; I need to focus on my dreams and my goals. I know that I'm the kind of person who gives my all to whoever I'm with, which is great(ish), but right now I need to focus on me. And it's terrific. But maybe it's the reason I never feel completely satisfied with where I'm at.

But at the same time, that can't be right either. When I was in a relationship I was always anxious to be elsewhere, too. Either I was anxious to be with my partner or I was anxious to escape dramatics surrounding my relationship (no matter how reluctant I was to admit it). So, what is it?

I'm thinking it's just the age. Correct me if I'm wrong (although I'm pretty sure no one over 25 other than my mother reads this), but maybe it's just the idea of fluidity and mobility and prospective far away dream places that makes me unsettled. I hated living life out of a suitcase (my first two years of college), but I love the idea of traveling and apartment hunting and job searching. Or maybe it's just that everything I love is in different places. I don't think I felt this way in highschool, when my family, my resources, my best friends, my boyfriend(s) were all right there. I didn't need to be somewhere else because, well, whatever I wanted was there. And now I want big things, like an awesome career and a law degree and a husband and babies and a nice car that doesn't squeak and a bigger apartment, that aren't here and I'm trying to figure out where they are.


Or, it could be the weather.


Yeah, it's definitely the weather.

Things that make you look like a horrible human being in the eyes of a sales associate.

I'm on a list-making spree lately. They're fun! Anyways, having worked in retail for a bit, I've come across a few (okay, a lot) things that customers do that royally piss off the employees. Here are some of my favorites:

1. When you walk into the store and refuse to acknowledge any sort of greeting. In sales, most of us are taught to say an enthusiastic "hi!" and greet the customers. About half of the time we are met with a grunt and quick shuffle away. RUDE. It takes all of a second to, dare I say it, smile and say hello. Oh, and by the way, we might tell you about our awesome sales going on right now. You came to buy stuff, right? Quit acting like a snob. Would you do that if you were walking down the street and someone said hi to you? No. And if you would, well then you actually are a horrible human being and I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. You should probably stop reading.
2. When you act like an actual monkey in the store. Okay, maybe not a monkey, but down-right zoo-like for sure. We size all of our shirts and such for you. We try to make it as easy as possible for you to find your size. We're sorry that the biggest sizes are on the bottom, but it's because they're...bigger. That doesn't give you the right to take all the other sizes and chuck them across the store like they're mushy bananas. I might be over-exaggerating, but then again...not really.
3. When you proceed to act like a monkey in the fitting room. At our store, we have no limit in the fitting room. Take whatever amount of clothing your heart desires in there. Try on as much as you want. Really, we love to help dress and design your wardrobe, I'm being genuine. But please please please please PLEASE don't leave all of your clothes in there looking like you created your own tornadic destruction machine right there in the stall. I know that's not what your bedroom looks like. And if it is, I don't care. YOU ARE IN PUBLIC. Have some respect! 
4. When you apparently attempt to put things away, but put things back on hangers inside-out. Really. REALLY?! In that case, I'd rather you leave the tornado. There's no way you don't see that you're putting it on there inside-out! Stop trying to make yourself feel better by saying that you "cleaned up" after yourself. That didn't work with your mom when you half-assed your chores, and it won't work for us, either.
5. When you bring in like, 12 different items into the fitting room, and walk out with nothing. You cannot seriously tell me that none of that stuff worked. And even if that were the case, can't you just make us feel a little better and bring a couple of them back out with you? Please? 
6. When you ask us to price check everything you bring up to the register. HELLO. IT SAYS THE PRICE ON THE MACHINE IN FRONT OF YOU. Oh, and not to mention on the sticker, or on the in numerous signs around the store. Furthermore, if you're going to ask us to price check everything, at least buy SOMETHING. 
7. When you yell at the sales associates about things like prices, signs, sales, etc. Newsflash: Unless you're shopping at a tiny "ma and pop" store, sales associates/managers don't control any of that. We/they get told by the "big bosses" at corporate what to put where, how to price things, etc. We literally just listen to our boss. If you want to complain, complain to them. Another newsflash: They probably won't care, either.
8. When you pee in the store. And not in the bathroom toilet. That is all. 

Follow this simple step-by-step guideline (and slight berating) and your sales associate at your local clothing store won't want to kill you. While we can't necessarily spit in your food, we can certainly keep you from saving money by not offering you that coupon you give anyone else. Or we can put you through slight moments of sheer panic when you think that your total is 2,948 when it's actually only 29.48 and we just "messed up." It's the little things that get us through the day, people. 

*Note: this may have been inspired by a recent day at work. 

The 7 Kinds of Dreams

1. The dream where your teeth/hair/face falls out. Okay, the face part might be a little over-dramatic, but you get the point. This is the dream for those of us who are vain and worry about our appearances a little too much. No shame, I have the teeth-falling-out dream regularly. You either dream that you have a loose tooth and they all start slowly disintegrating, or that you wake up and all your teeth are gone. Talk about a nightmare. Oh, and if that's not enough, after you finally wake up from this travesty you can't stop feeling your teeth with your tongue, fingers, whatever...anything to prove that they are, indeed, still in place and not moving. Shit, now I can't bite into my apple.

That is not funny. Put that shit back in your mouth.

2. The dream in which you are a hero, saving the world from something you didn't know you cared about. This is the dream where you're walking along at the Pick 'n' Save and all of a sudden you have the sudden urge to save the world from terrorism. You think you spot a terrorist in the parking lot...Oh! It is! He has a bomb in the shape of a flying dog, which is undoubtedly a bomb for no obvious reason! And suddenly you're off, conquering evil hungry-man, frito-lay shopping terrorists from one grocery store to the next.

...and then the cheeto bomb went off.

3. The dream when you're falling. This dream lasts about, oh, I don't know, a second. Then you proceed to violently grab onto your bed as you're sweating and practically fling yourself across your bedroom. People say that falling dreams are indicative of insecurities, instabilities, anxieties. You don't say? I'm anxious? Maybe it's because every-time I try to fall asleep I fall off a metaphorical cliff.

WHY.

5. The dream where you're watching your dream unfold and you're actually kind of aware of the fact that you're dreaming. In my experience, this dream is usually terrifying. Like watching your puppy die while you see yourself stand idly by. NO! STOP! DO SOMETHING, YOU UNDOUBTEDLY THICK MORON. Usually ends with "you" telling "yourself" that you really are a moron and you're only dreaming. Wake up, idiot.

I like to think that these dreams make me more likely
to end up with Leo.

6. The dream that is actually sort of relevant to your life. This dream comes along...never. Okay, maybe not never, but I've had less than a handful of them. The players in this dream are your parents, your friends, an ex...whatever have you. It's usually super random, like you swapping dogs with your best friend or you slapping the shit out of an ex's significant other (okay, maybe not THAT random), but it's never anything significant. Except that one time when suddenly your world is rocked by your dream and you change your life forever. Wait, no, that doesn't happen. Nevermind.

7. The dream when you're at your house...but it looks nothing like your house. This is the dream when you're just hanging out in "your" basement, but it suddenly has bright orange walls, wooden floors, and a water slide that goes up. In the dream you SWEAR that it's your house, in fact, it's not even a question if it is or not...but it definitely isn't.

What do you mean this isn't my house?

4. The sex dream. Can't ignore it, but don't necessarily want to talk about it either. It more often than not involves someone who you normally have no physical attraction to, like the weird kid in the back of your high school bus who kind of said hi to you one time. Is his name Dave? Dan? Who knows. Or it involves a same-sex partner, and suddenly you wake up questioning years of hooking up with the opposite sex. Am I a lesbian? No, you just had a trippy-ass dream in which you made out with a chick. It's fine... kind of. Oh, and if that's not enough, you usually do super acrobatic shit in said dream. Don't try this at home, kids.

You are definitely a lesbian.

Typical New Year Post

Every year around this time I write a blog about my life over the past year and what I expect for the next (I don't think I did it last year, whatever). I have been chewing on this idea for the past week and finally decided to sit down and write it. It helps that I have access to an actual computer for the first time since Monday.

2012. Oh, where do I begin? I'm going to call 2012 my rebuilding year. 2011 started off great, got super rocky and unfortunate in the middle, and ended sadly. My life changed so drastically so quickly that I didn't know how to get back on my feet in such a short period of time, and it took me a long time to get there. So, 2012 was my rebuilding year.

And rebuild I did. I started off the new year in the Wisconsin Dells with my family. It was a rough trip, but nevertheless I remember it fondly and actually wanted to go back this year. The semester was one of my best ones to date, and I rocked a 3.85. I took an amazing counseling psychology class that forever changed how I look at and interact with people and taught me to reflect on how I was feeling about my life much more than I was previously allowing myself to do. I went to Arizona to visit my grandparents and realized that I regretted those few years when I didn't go - my grandparents are the shit. I turned 21 with my one of my best friends. I went to Vegas with the world's greatest mom and had the time of my life. I became obsessed with Vegas. I finally got to see Donya on a quick (but seriously memorable) trip to Chicago. I ran a 40 minute 8k, when I had previously never run more than a mile at a time. I made a last minute decision to travel across the country for 7 weeks and spend all the money I had. I went to Memphis to visit Donya (again), and had a rather weird but necessary experience. It's all about closure, people. I had one of the best nights of my life before I went to London (possibly because of the entirely random group of people I was with). I lived by myself, in London, for 7 weeks. 3,917 miles away from my support system. I thrived. Never before had I felt so independent, even when my dog was dying and my computer crashed (let's not talk about it). I realized that Wales is so much more than just a country with the same name as a large fish (not to mention being hand-fed french-fries by a Welshmen... Oh Wales). I SAW MORGAN FREEMAN IN PERSON. Oh, and Matthew Lewis (otherwise known as Neville Longbottom), Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon Levitt (rockin the vest and the skinny tie)...the list goes on. I met amazing people and had awesome realizations. I came home and started working to pay off that damn credit card. I bought an iPad. I joined an awesome lab that's doing work I truly and deeply believe in. I took 18 credits, 6 classes, and kicked ass in every one of them. I went to my last round of Badger football games as an undergrad and cried my way through Varsity. I established a great group of friends (haHA!). Boys came and boys went, and I was completely okay. I registered for my last semester as an undergrad (again, lets not talk about it). Hello 18 credit, 7 class final semester. Bring it. I had an amazing Thanksgiving and survived my second Black Friday over-nighter with great co-workers at Loft (although I seriously don't remember anything after 3:00AM). I had my only final cancelled because of a snow storm (this is why I moved back to Wisconsin) and got to go home early. I finally got that damn iPhone, goodbye shady thunderbolt. I spent Christmas with my family and got to see an awesome movie with my best friends in the same theater. I spent New Years at home with my family, finishing off the year with the same people I began it with. Most importantly, though, I rebuilt, and now know myself better than ever. I'm not a different person, I've just returned to who I was pre-college, and it feels great. Except I might be a little more obnoxious. Sorry, kids.

This year is going to be full of life-changing moments. I'm graduating college. I will be, for the first time since I was 2, a regular person who cannot identify as a student. I will [hopefully] be an independent, contributing member of the workforce. I am moving to Chicago and starting life on my own (alongside one of my best friends). I am probably buying a new car. My childhood bedroom is turning into a quasi-guest bedroom. I am going to actually be an adult, and I don't know what to expect. What I do know, though, is that without my 2012 rebuilding year everything would be so different, and I am thankful every minute of every day for where my life has taken me.

Here's to my rebuilding 2012 and my brand new, shiny 2013.

last Badger game! :( 

Winnin [or losing] money in Vegas!

Mommy and me! 

Pretty typical.

My best friend forever :)

jumping at Stonehenge! 

Christmas party with the roomie :)

hahahah, this is pretty accurate. 

Londoners.

me and the bro.

Barcrawl!

the crew :)

me and k lehner supporting the cause

lookin awkward after the 8k

mine and Matthew's 21st!