This isn't about guns.

Well, of course it isn't. But the tragic events of the day in Boston, got me thinking. What does all of this mean?

Aurora, Colorado. Oak Creek, Wisconsin. Newtown, New Jersey. And now Boston, Massachusetts. These four cities will now live ingrained in the minds of all of us, and not because of their historical significance.

You might be thinking "one of these things is not like the other," but really, they're all so similar. Sure, they might stem from different issues. Mental illness, prejudice, terrorism. But what it comes down to isn't about healthcare or politics or international affairs. It's not about democrats or republicans. It's not about Obama, and it's certainly not about guns.

Is the mental healthcare system a failing institution in this country? Absolutely. Do we have way more assault weapons than necessary in this country? Absolutely. Are there issues abroad that we don't exactly know how to handle? Absolutely. But these have all been issues before and they will all be issues again.

When I heard the news about Boston today, all I could ask myself was "Is this what it felt like to be an American in 1968?" For those of you who don't know, 1968 was a year that has lived in infamy. From the assassination of MLK Jr., to the Vietnam War, to the Democratic National Convention, and notwithstanding riots in all corners of the country, citizens thought that our world was falling apart. The Cold War and World War III beckoned.

And we got through it. Sure, there are arguments to the contrary, but by and large we made it out of that hellish year still standing. Were we the same? Absolutely not. Our idyllic sense of self from the 1950s was tarnished (even though I wrote my junior thesis on how the 50s was actually an underground wave of volcanic shit that was just waiting to explode, you know what I mean). Then came the economic toilet of the 70s and 80s, but then, then came the 90s and Rugrats and grunge metal and bubblegum pop and yay money. And everything was good again (especially for you, Bill, at least until 1998).

I'm not saying this isn't bad. I'm not saying you shouldn't be scared or worried about future generations. And I'm certainly not saying you shouldn't take time to reflect on this event that we will forever remember.

But take this, take this hopeless, lost, confused, and scared feeling, and turn it around. As cliched as this is, just love. Reach out to those next to you and those in Boston and give your helping hand. Don't stop living. It may take 10, 20, or even 30 years, but we'll get there. I don't care if this is too optimistic or glass-half-full or even ignorant. If there is one common, screaming theme through all these tragedies it's that there simply isn't enough graciousness, charity, and love in the world, and it's up to you (all twelve of you who read this) to change this. Hating those who did these acts will get us nowhere; everyone has a story, everyone has a side, and everyone, every living being on this Earth, deserves love. It may be difficult and it may test every fiber of your being, but this is critical. Love (and a little empathy) can change our mental health system for the better. Love (and a little flexibility) can make the gun debate moot. Love (and a little understanding) can help ease our international tensions.

It's optimistic. It's glass-half-full. And it may even be a bit ignorant. But it's true. Love is how I've lived my life. It's love that has gotten me and my family and my friends through addiction, depression, brokenness.

I don't have the answers, I don't have the policy changes or the laws or the money or understanding of what goes into huge, systematic changes. But I do know it's a grassroots movement, and it starts here.

Let love, grace, compassion, and altruism bring us back to the nineties, because hey, we all need a little more Vanilla Ice and Skip-It's and Thelma and Louise and Zubaz.




My hearts and sincerest prayers go out to those impacted not only by the events in Boston yesterday, but to those in Aurora, Oak Creek, Newtown, and anyone else who needs them.

What to do, what to do.

What do I want to do with my life?

Screw that. What do I want to do with my next two/three years?

I know I'm moving to Chicago. But living in Chicago without any sort of set income is terrifying. And I have so many interests, so many ways I want to help so many people, that I'm having a hard time deciding.

I love children, mainly babies. So, I could be a teacher in an infant/toddler program, which is actually one of my realist job "offers" that I've gotten so far. So there's that. But do I really want to work with babies 40 hours out of the week? I'm not so sure. On the other side, though, it is super exciting to watch a baby go through developmental milestones. At least for me, it is.

I have an affinity for helping low-income children, and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of those in Chicago. Do I work for the state, or for a nonprofit? Do I actually intend on making money or not? And how do I want to help those children? I could be a mentor, I could be a legal advocate, I could be a case worker. Can I stomach any/all of that? I don't know.

I also have an affinity for those with substance-abuse problems, although I am admittedly inexperienced in the scholarly side of that. I would love to learn more, but what job opportunities are there for someone who has little "educational" experience with that? Can't I just talk to people for a living without the background behind it? Riiiight.

I've done a lot of work with the incarcerated population, so that's nifty. I've also done a lot of research, so I could definitely work in a research lab at U of Chicago or Loyola or something. But I'm not sure I want to be a lab rat full-time, either. And at the same time, there are some moments when I'm working in my lab now and I just get SO excited over results I'm seeing, because, hey, they're actually significant!

I want to work in a family law-firm, hopefully as a paralegal or a legal assistant, but as far as I've seen my options are limited there, even though I've worked at a firm for a couple of years now. It would be extremely useful for me to see the kind of work I hope to be doing someday, if not for any other reason than to at least know I actually WANT to do that, rather than just be stuck in this fantasized dream of what law is. (Just kidding, my stepdad complains enough for me to know it sucks. Hard.)

I could always stick with loft and potentially my new management job. But retail, all day, every day? Shoot me now. Except just kidding, I love working retail. But maybe it's because I only work it every so often. Who knows.

CAN'T I JUST LIVE IN A FANCY APARTMENT LIKE CARRIE BRADSHAW AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

Getting Where You're Going

I don't know about you, but I always feel like I'm waiting to get somewhere.

I'm not talking metaphorically...although I guess that's applicable too. I'm talking about physically waiting to get somewhere. I'm extremely satisfied with my present home (Madison, Wisconsin) and think it was the best place for my college life. I love my permanent home (Racine, Wisconsin) and wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I loved being in London, which is my "if-only-I-had-nothing-keeping-me-home" home. I love Arizona, my "my-grandparents-live-here-and-it's-great-because-it's-warm-hot" home.

But, regardless of how much I love my various "homes," I always feel like I want to be somewhere else. When I'm in Madison, I'm counting down the days to Phoenix or Disney or Chicago, or even back to Racine to be with family. When I'm in Racine, I can't wait to get back to Madison and live my own life outside of my family. When I'm away from home (be it Racine or Madison) I can't wait for the familiarity that is home to be back. It's all an endless, exhausting cycle.

Why do we do that? I surely can't be the only one.

Maybe it's because of my current relationship (or lack thereof) status. Don't get me wrong; my single-ness is an active choice on my part. I'm not in the right place in my life to be selfless and think about someone else in that facet; I need to focus on my dreams and my goals. I know that I'm the kind of person who gives my all to whoever I'm with, which is great(ish), but right now I need to focus on me. And it's terrific. But maybe it's the reason I never feel completely satisfied with where I'm at.

But at the same time, that can't be right either. When I was in a relationship I was always anxious to be elsewhere, too. Either I was anxious to be with my partner or I was anxious to escape dramatics surrounding my relationship (no matter how reluctant I was to admit it). So, what is it?

I'm thinking it's just the age. Correct me if I'm wrong (although I'm pretty sure no one over 25 other than my mother reads this), but maybe it's just the idea of fluidity and mobility and prospective far away dream places that makes me unsettled. I hated living life out of a suitcase (my first two years of college), but I love the idea of traveling and apartment hunting and job searching. Or maybe it's just that everything I love is in different places. I don't think I felt this way in highschool, when my family, my resources, my best friends, my boyfriend(s) were all right there. I didn't need to be somewhere else because, well, whatever I wanted was there. And now I want big things, like an awesome career and a law degree and a husband and babies and a nice car that doesn't squeak and a bigger apartment, that aren't here and I'm trying to figure out where they are.


Or, it could be the weather.


Yeah, it's definitely the weather.

Things that make you look like a horrible human being in the eyes of a sales associate.

I'm on a list-making spree lately. They're fun! Anyways, having worked in retail for a bit, I've come across a few (okay, a lot) things that customers do that royally piss off the employees. Here are some of my favorites:

1. When you walk into the store and refuse to acknowledge any sort of greeting. In sales, most of us are taught to say an enthusiastic "hi!" and greet the customers. About half of the time we are met with a grunt and quick shuffle away. RUDE. It takes all of a second to, dare I say it, smile and say hello. Oh, and by the way, we might tell you about our awesome sales going on right now. You came to buy stuff, right? Quit acting like a snob. Would you do that if you were walking down the street and someone said hi to you? No. And if you would, well then you actually are a horrible human being and I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. You should probably stop reading.
2. When you act like an actual monkey in the store. Okay, maybe not a monkey, but down-right zoo-like for sure. We size all of our shirts and such for you. We try to make it as easy as possible for you to find your size. We're sorry that the biggest sizes are on the bottom, but it's because they're...bigger. That doesn't give you the right to take all the other sizes and chuck them across the store like they're mushy bananas. I might be over-exaggerating, but then again...not really.
3. When you proceed to act like a monkey in the fitting room. At our store, we have no limit in the fitting room. Take whatever amount of clothing your heart desires in there. Try on as much as you want. Really, we love to help dress and design your wardrobe, I'm being genuine. But please please please please PLEASE don't leave all of your clothes in there looking like you created your own tornadic destruction machine right there in the stall. I know that's not what your bedroom looks like. And if it is, I don't care. YOU ARE IN PUBLIC. Have some respect! 
4. When you apparently attempt to put things away, but put things back on hangers inside-out. Really. REALLY?! In that case, I'd rather you leave the tornado. There's no way you don't see that you're putting it on there inside-out! Stop trying to make yourself feel better by saying that you "cleaned up" after yourself. That didn't work with your mom when you half-assed your chores, and it won't work for us, either.
5. When you bring in like, 12 different items into the fitting room, and walk out with nothing. You cannot seriously tell me that none of that stuff worked. And even if that were the case, can't you just make us feel a little better and bring a couple of them back out with you? Please? 
6. When you ask us to price check everything you bring up to the register. HELLO. IT SAYS THE PRICE ON THE MACHINE IN FRONT OF YOU. Oh, and not to mention on the sticker, or on the in numerous signs around the store. Furthermore, if you're going to ask us to price check everything, at least buy SOMETHING. 
7. When you yell at the sales associates about things like prices, signs, sales, etc. Newsflash: Unless you're shopping at a tiny "ma and pop" store, sales associates/managers don't control any of that. We/they get told by the "big bosses" at corporate what to put where, how to price things, etc. We literally just listen to our boss. If you want to complain, complain to them. Another newsflash: They probably won't care, either.
8. When you pee in the store. And not in the bathroom toilet. That is all. 

Follow this simple step-by-step guideline (and slight berating) and your sales associate at your local clothing store won't want to kill you. While we can't necessarily spit in your food, we can certainly keep you from saving money by not offering you that coupon you give anyone else. Or we can put you through slight moments of sheer panic when you think that your total is 2,948 when it's actually only 29.48 and we just "messed up." It's the little things that get us through the day, people. 

*Note: this may have been inspired by a recent day at work. 

The 7 Kinds of Dreams

1. The dream where your teeth/hair/face falls out. Okay, the face part might be a little over-dramatic, but you get the point. This is the dream for those of us who are vain and worry about our appearances a little too much. No shame, I have the teeth-falling-out dream regularly. You either dream that you have a loose tooth and they all start slowly disintegrating, or that you wake up and all your teeth are gone. Talk about a nightmare. Oh, and if that's not enough, after you finally wake up from this travesty you can't stop feeling your teeth with your tongue, fingers, whatever...anything to prove that they are, indeed, still in place and not moving. Shit, now I can't bite into my apple.

That is not funny. Put that shit back in your mouth.

2. The dream in which you are a hero, saving the world from something you didn't know you cared about. This is the dream where you're walking along at the Pick 'n' Save and all of a sudden you have the sudden urge to save the world from terrorism. You think you spot a terrorist in the parking lot...Oh! It is! He has a bomb in the shape of a flying dog, which is undoubtedly a bomb for no obvious reason! And suddenly you're off, conquering evil hungry-man, frito-lay shopping terrorists from one grocery store to the next.

...and then the cheeto bomb went off.

3. The dream when you're falling. This dream lasts about, oh, I don't know, a second. Then you proceed to violently grab onto your bed as you're sweating and practically fling yourself across your bedroom. People say that falling dreams are indicative of insecurities, instabilities, anxieties. You don't say? I'm anxious? Maybe it's because every-time I try to fall asleep I fall off a metaphorical cliff.

WHY.

5. The dream where you're watching your dream unfold and you're actually kind of aware of the fact that you're dreaming. In my experience, this dream is usually terrifying. Like watching your puppy die while you see yourself stand idly by. NO! STOP! DO SOMETHING, YOU UNDOUBTEDLY THICK MORON. Usually ends with "you" telling "yourself" that you really are a moron and you're only dreaming. Wake up, idiot.

I like to think that these dreams make me more likely
to end up with Leo.

6. The dream that is actually sort of relevant to your life. This dream comes along...never. Okay, maybe not never, but I've had less than a handful of them. The players in this dream are your parents, your friends, an ex...whatever have you. It's usually super random, like you swapping dogs with your best friend or you slapping the shit out of an ex's significant other (okay, maybe not THAT random), but it's never anything significant. Except that one time when suddenly your world is rocked by your dream and you change your life forever. Wait, no, that doesn't happen. Nevermind.

7. The dream when you're at your house...but it looks nothing like your house. This is the dream when you're just hanging out in "your" basement, but it suddenly has bright orange walls, wooden floors, and a water slide that goes up. In the dream you SWEAR that it's your house, in fact, it's not even a question if it is or not...but it definitely isn't.

What do you mean this isn't my house?

4. The sex dream. Can't ignore it, but don't necessarily want to talk about it either. It more often than not involves someone who you normally have no physical attraction to, like the weird kid in the back of your high school bus who kind of said hi to you one time. Is his name Dave? Dan? Who knows. Or it involves a same-sex partner, and suddenly you wake up questioning years of hooking up with the opposite sex. Am I a lesbian? No, you just had a trippy-ass dream in which you made out with a chick. It's fine... kind of. Oh, and if that's not enough, you usually do super acrobatic shit in said dream. Don't try this at home, kids.

You are definitely a lesbian.

Typical New Year Post

Every year around this time I write a blog about my life over the past year and what I expect for the next (I don't think I did it last year, whatever). I have been chewing on this idea for the past week and finally decided to sit down and write it. It helps that I have access to an actual computer for the first time since Monday.

2012. Oh, where do I begin? I'm going to call 2012 my rebuilding year. 2011 started off great, got super rocky and unfortunate in the middle, and ended sadly. My life changed so drastically so quickly that I didn't know how to get back on my feet in such a short period of time, and it took me a long time to get there. So, 2012 was my rebuilding year.

And rebuild I did. I started off the new year in the Wisconsin Dells with my family. It was a rough trip, but nevertheless I remember it fondly and actually wanted to go back this year. The semester was one of my best ones to date, and I rocked a 3.85. I took an amazing counseling psychology class that forever changed how I look at and interact with people and taught me to reflect on how I was feeling about my life much more than I was previously allowing myself to do. I went to Arizona to visit my grandparents and realized that I regretted those few years when I didn't go - my grandparents are the shit. I turned 21 with my one of my best friends. I went to Vegas with the world's greatest mom and had the time of my life. I became obsessed with Vegas. I finally got to see Donya on a quick (but seriously memorable) trip to Chicago. I ran a 40 minute 8k, when I had previously never run more than a mile at a time. I made a last minute decision to travel across the country for 7 weeks and spend all the money I had. I went to Memphis to visit Donya (again), and had a rather weird but necessary experience. It's all about closure, people. I had one of the best nights of my life before I went to London (possibly because of the entirely random group of people I was with). I lived by myself, in London, for 7 weeks. 3,917 miles away from my support system. I thrived. Never before had I felt so independent, even when my dog was dying and my computer crashed (let's not talk about it). I realized that Wales is so much more than just a country with the same name as a large fish (not to mention being hand-fed french-fries by a Welshmen... Oh Wales). I SAW MORGAN FREEMAN IN PERSON. Oh, and Matthew Lewis (otherwise known as Neville Longbottom), Anne Hathaway, Joseph Gordon Levitt (rockin the vest and the skinny tie)...the list goes on. I met amazing people and had awesome realizations. I came home and started working to pay off that damn credit card. I bought an iPad. I joined an awesome lab that's doing work I truly and deeply believe in. I took 18 credits, 6 classes, and kicked ass in every one of them. I went to my last round of Badger football games as an undergrad and cried my way through Varsity. I established a great group of friends (haHA!). Boys came and boys went, and I was completely okay. I registered for my last semester as an undergrad (again, lets not talk about it). Hello 18 credit, 7 class final semester. Bring it. I had an amazing Thanksgiving and survived my second Black Friday over-nighter with great co-workers at Loft (although I seriously don't remember anything after 3:00AM). I had my only final cancelled because of a snow storm (this is why I moved back to Wisconsin) and got to go home early. I finally got that damn iPhone, goodbye shady thunderbolt. I spent Christmas with my family and got to see an awesome movie with my best friends in the same theater. I spent New Years at home with my family, finishing off the year with the same people I began it with. Most importantly, though, I rebuilt, and now know myself better than ever. I'm not a different person, I've just returned to who I was pre-college, and it feels great. Except I might be a little more obnoxious. Sorry, kids.

This year is going to be full of life-changing moments. I'm graduating college. I will be, for the first time since I was 2, a regular person who cannot identify as a student. I will [hopefully] be an independent, contributing member of the workforce. I am moving to Chicago and starting life on my own (alongside one of my best friends). I am probably buying a new car. My childhood bedroom is turning into a quasi-guest bedroom. I am going to actually be an adult, and I don't know what to expect. What I do know, though, is that without my 2012 rebuilding year everything would be so different, and I am thankful every minute of every day for where my life has taken me.

Here's to my rebuilding 2012 and my brand new, shiny 2013.

last Badger game! :( 

Winnin [or losing] money in Vegas!

Mommy and me! 

Pretty typical.

My best friend forever :)

jumping at Stonehenge! 

Christmas party with the roomie :)

hahahah, this is pretty accurate. 

Londoners.

me and the bro.

Barcrawl!

the crew :)

me and k lehner supporting the cause

lookin awkward after the 8k

mine and Matthew's 21st!

I think I'm growing up.

I'm not sure if it's the impending doom that is graduation in May, the fact that I have bills to pay, or that my childhood bedroom is being turned into a quasi-guest room at home, but whichever way, I feel old. I know this may be ridiculous since I'm only 21 and these are "the best years of my life," but it doesn't help the fact that I feel old.

Recently, getting up early hasn't been too difficult. Sleeping in has turned into sleeping until 8AM and then feeling like a lazy bum if I don't get up and do something. I hate when my apartment is messy. I feel guilty after every non-necessary purchase I make (But I still make them...not sure that that will ever go away, given who my mother is). I look at a muffin or a doughnut or any kind of pastry and just think about all the sugar and fat I would be ingesting if I ate that. All of these things were pretty much moot not even two years ago.

I've also started crying more. Not like, about my life or anything, but when I'm watching TV or a movie. If a protagonist dies, cue the tears. If lovers are forced to part, cue the tears. If someone is diagnosed with something awful, cue the tears. An animal dies? Cue the tears. It's like everything makes me weepy, even if it's not real or hasn't ever happened to me. I cried during an episode of "Charmed" last week. Harry Potter gets me every time. I used to not cry during Lion King or Fox and the Hound or any of those typical "makes-people-cry" movies. Now I can't stop myself.

I've started to think about finances. Admittedly a bit too late, might I add. Looking at apartments and trying to calculate how much money I will need to make in order to live in an apartment I like. Thinking about those student loans turning real in 6 months....meh. Trying to figure out how much food I can afford, or how many people I can buy Christmas presents for. Making decisions based on money, not based on yolo (okay, not all the time, but most of the time). Using my credit card for everything and throwing almost every dollar of my paycheck to it...I should probably change that. But anywho, finances. Growing up is dumb.

But at the same time, it's so exciting. I will be a real person next year. For the first time I can remember, I won't identify as a "student." I will have an actual profession (God willing) and will be totally on my own. Yeah, I'm on my own now, but not really. In a month my bedroom will be virtually not mine anymore, and in eight months I'll be in an apartment in Chicago with all of my childhood crap surrounding me. Unless my parents are awesome and keep most of it. That'd be great. Public transportation (which I will rely on) will not be free. My friends that I've made over the past 19 years of my life won't all be within an arms reach of me (with the exception of Megan, hayyy). I'll be a working woman, on my own and in a big city with the world as my oyster. Cliched as all get out, but true nonetheless. I've got nothing holding me back this time and can actually 100% truly embrace my surroundings without worrying about people back home, and it's an amazing feeling.

But hey, I still have a solid five months of college left. Time to embrace adolescence one last time, be thankful for my mom's checkbook, and live these last few moments as a UW student to the fullest. On Wisconsin!

This seemed appropriate. We all know how
 much I worry about horsemanship.